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Ponderous

06/30/2011

Been a while since I wrote anything here. I suppose I just haven’t been able to collect and organize my thoughts into a post-worthy jumble of language and grammar.

The past several weeks have been exhausting, both on an emotional level and a physical one. On the good side of things, my 3rd anniversary with MB was this past Tuesday and we celebrated by having a wonderful meal at Restaurant Sabor in Timonium. MB got a smoked salmon spring roll appetizer and homemade gnocchi with steak for dinner. I had the chef’s roasted red pepper bisque, a smoked salmon salad plate and a bison bolognese pasta dish. All were delicious. We brought our favorite Riesling, Relax from Germany, and lushly enjoyed almost 2 whole bottles.

This weekend we are heading down to the beach for the long weekend. I have taken an extra two days off after the 4th to extend our stay and we are both looking forward to the relaxation. It will be Eric’s first trip to the beach so we are really looking forward to seeing how much fun he has.

– – –

A lot of different themes have been running through my head lately: respect, faith, friendship, pessimism and hope.

I’ve been fighting with a lack of respect in different areas of my life and I’m struggling to understand how to respond to it. I often take it internally and hold back a response, just because in the situations in which I find myself, I don’t feel a response would garner any sort of realization or change in the other people involved. Futility is not something I welcome, so I tend to remove myself from the situation as soon as possible.

Along with respect, I have found myself wondering where in the scheme of friendship I stand with several people. Sometimes I feel as though I really am a valued friend and other times it’s as if I’m only thought of in cursory glances, with a fleeting mental mark left that I exist. I have also found that there are perceptions of me that are so wildly different from anything I could anticipate that I don’t even know if I can understand how I am viewed by others anymore. It all contributes to this confusion that I can’t seem to escape. I suppose all the thoughts that have been swirling in my mind loop and knot over themselves so they all become an intertwined jumble of conscious chaos. I’m not sure where I stand outside of my own house anymore and I think it has me feeling like I don’t have a place. I know where I am in my home, with my family and those I love, but when I leave those walls I feel I fall away and become less of a person, less of someone who has value to the world.

I suppose that is a struggle I’ve had for much of my life, though I kind of thought by now I’d have it figured out.

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