Posts Tagged ‘disappointment’

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Loss for Nothing

07/01/2014

“It was one of those times you feel a sense of loss, even though you didn’t have something in the first place. I guess that’s what disappointment is – a sense of loss for something you never had.” – Deb Caletti

I think one of the most prevailing emotions I have felt throughout my life is disappointment; in my fortunes, in my decisions, in my situations, but mostly simply in myself. There is this creeping shadow that follows me around that seems to cloak my intentions and desires in a thick soup, restricting movement and keeping me confined in a sort of web of entanglement. Some of it stems from a very deep-seeded criticism of myself; I always feel like I am not as good as I could be, despite my efforts, be it in character, ability, achievement or appearance. However, a lot of it also stems from, and is fed by, this overwhelming feeling I have that every person with whom I come into contact looks down upon me.

I always feel like I am under a microscope, being picked apart for my inconsistencies and shortcomings, in some self-centered and self-important delusion that I actually hold any significance to anyone. They must be noticing my waistline, or perhaps the way I stick my tongue out when I’m concentrating. Everyone has to think to themselves that I appear exceedingly short yet disproportionately wide in the torso for someone of my stature. What about my voice; slightly grating, partially nasal, generally annoying.

Or what about the fact that I am utterly mundane? There is nothing particularly special about me, despite what my immediate family might lead you to be believe. Which brings me to the latest source of my self-imposed disappointment; a denial of a luxury at work that I feel I deserve. I will not go into details for they really don’t matter; the core issue is my position at work, while holding a managerial title, is not of the same rank of importance that my prior thoughts, and perhaps desires, believed it was. It doesn’t carry with it the same respect and perks that others do, and coworkers who weren’t as senior, nor here as long as I, have moved into receiving these perks while I sit where I started. This isn’t to say I dislike my job, for that is not the case at all. This disappointment arises from, once again, wishing to be more than I am, only to find I am actually less than I thought.

A sense of loss for something you never had.

I am no worse off than I was 20 minutes ago, a day ago, a week ago. But something inside me has dropped and I feel like an ant; looking up at everything, only a millimeter from being crushed by those who don’t even notice me.

And I think that also digs a little deeper into the issues I have on a daily basis. My own self-criticism stems so deeply from this feeling that I am simply not good enough, for myself or others, or even the place in the world that I occupy. And I think what makes it hurt the most is the knowledge that I am probably being petty, perhaps foolish, in feeling the way I do. This applies almost doubly so to the work situation I mentioned above. I am seemingly the only person who cares about it, I seem to be the only one upset about it. But I do, I feel bitter. I feel like, once again as has happened my entire life, I am being glossed over and brushed aside for the other pieces of the puzzle that matter. Disposable and replaceable; lackluster and unremarkable, easily shipped out for something newer and better.

I also feel in suspended social animation. I have always had a small group of friends, and only very few have ever been considered true close friends. Presently, even those I consider close friends are seen infrequently, as part of some special occasion instead of daily and because we are just that close. I simply don’t have that relationship in my life at all. Two of my closest friends have, in the past year, been utterly removed from my life; one of his own choosing and actions and the other because I simply became exhausted of continually trying to keep contact when it was obviously not a two-way desire. Two decade-long “friendships” ended in the blink of an eye.

I am thankful for my family, for their love, affection and support no matter what I put myself through. Without them, I truly would be lost, and they give my life purpose and meaning.

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