Precipice

Standing on the edge of a cliff looking down at two ways to fall. They are both similar paths but lead to different destinations. One is more desirable than the other, and might actually be a likely outcome, but until I know for certain, I am somewhat floating in this invisible soup of unsurety. I am hoping, with no small amount of trepidation, that this coming week brings a preferred resolution.

I have spent the better part of the past several weeks struggling to maintain a calm balance. Meditation, mindfulness, I keep trying to keep myself calm while worrying with every fiber of who I am. Everyone keep assuring me that I will come out on top, but I’ve been around long enough to feel that I cannot be certain until it happens.

A few social endeavors have served to buoy my spirits, and many new and great friends have entered my life, for which I am quite grateful. It is not common for me to have such good times with new people but I find the connections and the memories very fulfilling, perhaps getting a very late start on the types of relationships I neglected to form while growing up. Could these become like the lifelong friendships I never cultivated? I am not holding out hope, for I fear it is too late in my life for those to magically be forged, and these relationships are far too young and fledgling to have blossomed as yet. But there is hope, at least in my fragile little mind, that perhaps seeds have been planted in a group of groups that could germinate and sprout into something just a little bit more, perhaps flourish into a shady grove. I feel a contentedness when these things occur, like a small part of who I might be becomes a little more filled.

Maybe I am putting too much importance on what most people consider daily mundanities, regular occurrences that don’t carry the weight they do for someone like me, whose social relationships take on a tone of more of an occasional performance instead of a daily show. Perhaps my eagerness to latch onto friends I never had will ostracize me even more over time. My hope is that it will not, but will instead actually become something of huge substance and value. I have met good people, great people, with senses of humor, caring hearts, and reciprocating smiles, and felt an acceptance and a camaraderie that is new to me, and I do not want to lose it.

I hope for two hopes, and I have this feeling that if they both come true, the resulting path could be brighter and wider than I’ve ever seen.